This post has little to do with the topics I usually cover on this website. But it IS an issue that affects many women and children and I’ve wanted to write about it for some time. Watching a recent interview with Patrick Stewart has made me put pen to paper.
My Mum is clever. On so many levels. She did well at school. She was a swimmer of near Olympic ability. She was popular and pretty. More importantly, she was happy and from a loving family. She has an Art degree and can still take a pencil and paper and turn it into something alive and beautiful. She is warm, engaged, loving, intelligent and articulate. I think she is very beautiful.
She also survived an abusive husband. This was not easy as his emotional abuse and manipulation knew no bounds. Towards the end of their marriage he had completely numbed and dumbed her senses to the point where she had become frozen, unable to leave. As she told me years later, “If you are told often enough you are stupid and worthless, you begin to believe it.” He only beat her once but it was severe enough to fracture her skull. Once is one time too many. Mum has said his words, which were caustic and so very demeaning, were just as severe as that beating. Once, he threatened, but never hit me. Maybe this was because he could sense that I would fight back like a wildcat, or maybe his cowardice didn’t extend to hitting kids. I am the eldest of Mum’s three girls and was very aware of his abuse and felt hugely protective of my mother. However, an 8 year old is so innocent and powerless to prevent domestic violence, so I remember regularly wishing he were dead. Thankfully my two sisters were younger and largely unaware of his abuse.
But then, and with thanks to Gough Whitlam and the introduction of ‘no fault divorce’, Mum worked up the courage to consult a lawyer and leave. I very clearly remember my Grandfather arriving in his old Valiant car and whisking us away. I can still ‘taste’ the relief I felt. We initially camped with my Grandparents until we returned to our much-loved home in the sleepy suburb of Sandringham in Victoria. I don’t know how they managed to keep my biological father out of our life from that point, but I have no memory of him ever coming to our home again. Instead, every memory from that point is a happy one.
It was the late 1970s. Now Mum found herself in the unenviable position of being a female divorcee with 3 young girls. One just wasn’t a single parent then and certainly not a divorced one ~ so the chattering middle classes of Australian suburbia had pronounced. It would have been an incredibly tough gig for Mum, but preferable to the life she had endured until that point.
Slowly, Mum organised things. She put structures in place to make sure we continued to be nourished physically and emotionally. She returned to work full time and soon rose to enjoy a career with a major retailer that saw her working with the likes of Lord Snowdon. Despite her working full time, I never sensed that she was absent from my childhood. We weren’t at all wealthy, but crikey we were happy. I remember that Thursdays were my favourite day as she let us choose what we were to have for dinner. That meant fish and chips e.v.e.r.y single Thursday. I loved that with no father, I got to sleep with Mum most nights. I also loved that she slept peacefully.
Not long after, she met my step-father. I have written about him here. Mum spent the next 40 years being cherished, loved and supported by a wonderful, peaceful man (as did we, his step-daughters). Not every victim of domestic violence is that lucky.
You can hear here and here what Patrick Stewart has to say about domestic violence. I urge you to take the time to listen if you can and share this post so women who might be the victims of abuse know there are options open to them.
If you, or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, here are some sites that might help you.
Until next time…
What an incredibly brave lady your mother is and I can tell just how much you love her. I am
So pleased that your story had a happy ending. No one should ever have to put up with any form of abuse. Thanks for sharing x x
Caro,
I can relate to this story very well and was so pleased to read that your Mum had a second ‘life’ with someone who was a real man….a real man acknowledges that women are equal beings who deserve to be cherished and loved.
I just wish that all the women I know who are in the same mentally abusive and controlled marriages would use their courage and break the cycle in which they are trapped, once and for all.
Caro, there are more contacts that you can share. In NSW there is the DV hotline.
1800 656 463. There is a DV hotline in every state in Australia. The homeless persons info service in NSW is 9265 9081.
If a woman is in a crisis, she can ring the DV hotline, and if a refuge is not available, they will put her and her children up for a few days. There are things like “Start Safely” that offers a woman assisted rent for a couple of years as she gets her finances sorted to support herself and her children.
People need to understand that Domestic violence often has nothing to do with a physical assault, as you have identified in your blog. It quite often has more to do with the whole power and control thing. Restricting friends, family, finances and isolation, emotional, intellectual and sexual control..The Cycle of Violence ( http://www.dvhelppenrithregion.nsw.gov.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=4&Itemid=107
It affects the children from as early as before birth, because of the chemicals a terrified woman’s body releases.
Early brain development is so essential from pre birth to 5. …(It’s one of my passions, read up on it, it’s fascinating.)
Power to anyone who is a survivor, if you are fighting, I wish you strength, and offer you hope, and know that there is support out there.
Thank you so much for all that great info. C x
Caro, thank you for sharing. We have never met (I’m a friend of Mon’s) but this really resonated with me. For similar reasons. A similar situation. The same era. My Mum also had an abusive relationship with my Dad and I can remember upping sticks quickly one day when I came home from nursery school, never to return. Dad found us and threatened us and Mum was courageous enough to call the police this time and have him arrested. She too found a second love later in life but, I feel, still bears the scars of that dysfunctional relationship, scars which, sadly, hinder her in so many relationships today. The late sixties/early seventies weren’t easy for single Mums and I often saw mine excluded from dinner parties (perhaps her friends were afraid this single, strong woman would steal their husbands or odd numbers around the table weren’t the done thing?) but she forged her own path and gave me a secure and loving home along the way and, whilst we have had many ups and downs, for that I am eternally thankful and in awe of her.
xx
I love Patrick Stewart. I love Gough Whitlam. I love your Mum and I love you. That is all x
Ha! I too love Patrick Stewart and Mum. Can’t say the same for Gough, bless him. 😉 x
Wow what a great story. Domestic violence is a massive issue & hard enough for people these days but it must have been unimaginably hard back then. What an inspirational woman your mother is.
thank you for sharing all of this important story
Really moving Caro, how proud your mother must be of you and your lovely family, how amazing to have such a strong mother in your life. It reminds me that the father mother family just doesn’t work out for everybody, and love and stability are worth more than any possessions.